Harry Potter Becomes a Clown God and Kills Everyone at Hogwarts
by ham on italian bread w cheese
Summary: In this exciting installment in the Harry Potter universe, Harry Potter becomes a clown god and kills everyone at Hogwarts. That is why the title is Harry Potter Becomes a Clown God and Kills Everyone at Hogwarts.


Harry Potter walked through the halls of Hogwarts solemnly, his bulbous red clown shoes squeaking on the stone floor with every step he took. Ever since Dumbledore died from a combination of AIDS, anal tearing from taking eight penes in his butthole at the same time, and general malaise as a result of being a homosexual, the atmosphere of Hogwurts had taken a turn for the worst. In an attempt to improve the rapidly diminishing mood, the new headmaster, Neville Longbottom, instituted a rule that required all students to wear clown uniforms 24/7. While this did drastically increase the amounts of honking that occurred in the dormitories at night, mood was not improved, and arguably decreased. Before Harry had time to consider this further, he bumped chest-first into Ron Weasley, causing copious amounts of banana peels to spill out from their pockets and both of them to crash violently into nearby walls and furniture.

"Jiminy crickets, Ronald! You sure did a number on my knackers, I'll tell you wut!" Harry screamed angrily from his position on the floor, squeezing the false flower pinned to his shirt twice and squirting a stream of water at Ron. The stream fell just short of his face, dribbling onto the floor in an incredibly disappointing manner.

"Well, chop my dick in a salad, Potto," Ron said apologetically, gathering up the banana peels he had dropped and inserting them back into his pockets, as well as retrieving a large cardboard box he had been carrying. "I'm right sorry about all that ruckus, I am, I were just going to deliver these here clown costumes to th' Snape teacher 'ere!" This was rather normal procedure for Hogwurtz, as Snape was the one in charge of clown costume distribution, and Ron was a huge bitch that everyone loaded their miscellaneous chores onto. As Harry considered this fact and the opportunities that were presented as a result of Ron's comedic cargo, he began to formulate a plan in his ugly scarred head.

"Ron, shut yer gabber flaps fer a sec, I gots me an idea." With those hastily uttered words, Harry snatched the cardboard box out of Ron's hands, who relinquished it with a moan that sounded like a cross between a dying cat and a hamster being sodomized. Harry tore open the box with great fervor and removed a clown costume, quickly pulling it over his head and over the one he was already wearing. Ron watched on with horror at this blasphemy, barely able to conceal his rapidly swelling meat sword just beneath the rainbow coloured fabric of his bulbous clown pants. Harry moved with even greater speed on the third clown costume, and more with the fourth, gaining speed until he had donned all twelve clown costumes in the box.

"Weas, I have nearly achieved full clown, all I need is one more clown costume." Harry leaned in close and put his mouth, nearly covered by all the clown costumes he was wearing, right next to Ron's ear before whispering into it. "Have you ever heard the saying 'you can't make an omelette without breaking a few skulls'?"

"But 'arry, isn't that egg-" Before Ron was able to complete his sentence, Harry thrust one gloved fist right through his face, breaking through the skull as if it were nothing more than an egg shell and spraying brain matter and gore all over the wall behind him. Ron's body twitched a few times before slumping onto the floor, lifeless, and Harry quickly stripped the clown outfit from his body and claimed it as his own. He put on the new garment with such speed that it was as if it had teleported onto his body, and he became enveloped in a bright glow that quickly shifted through every colour of the rainbow.

"I am become clown, destroyer of misery and seriousness, spreader of laughter and comedy!" Harry began to float up into the air while bike horns and banana peels materialized into the air around him, cementing his status as a newly born god. He smashed right through the ceiling of the school into the sky, as he just happened to be on the top floor of the school, just kind of dicking around until he bumped into Ron. "Prepare for a trip to clown town!" Harry screamed into the air, his voice a booming thunder that was loud enough to be heard in all corners of the school grounds. Students ran for cover at the sound of it or curled into the foetal position on the spot, fear struck into their hearts at the sound of pure divinity.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" is what Voldemort would've said right at that moment, as he flew up into the air right next to Harry. However, he did not, as he was clearly a mime and therefor unable to speak without violating the sacred vows he had taken in order to gain all the powers that mimes were known for. He was dressed in slimming black and white striped clothing, which stood in stark contrast to the layers of puffy rainbow-strewn fabric that Harry was covered in.

"Gasp!" said Harry, rather than actually gasping. "Voldo, my greatest and most unfunny foe! How dare you show your face around here. Don't you know that your artistic silent performances are completely lacking in humour or any trace of entertainment value?"

"Fuck you, faggot." Voldemort signed in the traditional manner, by raising one of his middle fingers and thrusting it through an O made with the thumb and index finger of the other hand. Harry was so pissed at this crude display that he told an incredibly funny joke, a joke so funny that if I dared to write it down here I would not only die of laughter on the spot, but anyone reading it would as well. Also, I forgot the joke, so I can't write it down. Rest assured, though, it was a really funny joke, and everyone present in Hugwirtz at the time died of laughter due to Harry's voice being audible from every corner of the school. Since a school full of dead people isn't really that funny, Harry left and took up a career in comedy under the alias George Lopez.


End file.
